Bethlehem (poochycakes) wrote,

I am

I am so dreadfully exhausted.
I know I am running. I'm trying not to. I'm trying to keep my chin up, trying to remain calm, trying not to fly up and out of here.

I'm having thoughts of fleeing the state. Changing my name, starting fresh. In a small town, with a mountain somewhere nearby and a close close net of friends, and God, and lots of horses, and someone who loves me, and no one else. No one else to blow up my cell phone (speaking of cell phones, if there were an ocean nearby, I am sure mine would be waterlogged by now), no one else to tell me what is required, what they've done and what I should  be doing, that I am wasting my time with this and that and the other, no one tn'o laugh condescendngly at me and completely misunderstand the very nature of who I am.

I just want to ride.
I just want to love and be loved.
I just want to ease and erase the stamp of suffering.
I just want to worship God and have joy.
I just want to change things.
I just want to remain apathetic toward everyone else's opinion about me that doesn't matter.

Is it that much to ask?
The twisted part, is that I can do all of these things.
I beleive some sort of lie that someone else, something else is stopping me.

but it's just that

I am feeling so E.E Cummings right now. I just want to sum up my feelings with an 'et cetera'...

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